It’s time to get dressed in your business casual outfit for the 70,000,000th time.
Don’t forget to pick your favorite caramel frap from Starbucks. You hope Andrea is working today. She always gives you extra caramel for the extra sugar kick.
Balls, it’s Carl. His fraps always taste burnt. What the f*ck is he doing?
Now, it’s time for the 20-year commute on the highway. You play a Brian Tracy audiobook to keep you motivated. You have a fake smile on your face.
“You can do this,” You say to yourself. “You can totally do this!”
You finally arrive at your work parking lot, still forcing a smile. Oh God, bump this. You can’t do this!
You take a moment to scream, cry, beat the steering wheel, or take a swig of the Crown Royal hidden in your glove compartment before you settle into your cubicle cave for eight hours.
Does this sound like you? Here are seven signs you desperately need a new job:
1. You Cry on Your Way to Work
Remember the parking lot example? You’re supposed to go to work with a “Hell Yeah!” attitude, not a “Hell Naw!”
Crying is no laughing matter.
Treat yourself to a better work environment. That’s right, start searching Google for jobs right now! Life is too short for any BS.
2. You Plan a Car Accident to Skip Work
First, you hire a friendly neighbor to wreck your car. It doesn’t work out, so you ram your vehicle into a tree anyway.
“You can always get a rental.” Your boss recommends. You make an excuse you can’t afford one.
You can’t handle another workday. No sir!
3. You Pray Before You Enter the Building
Going to work feels like entering a circle of hell with demon staplers, lunch-stealing imps, and ghoulish co-workers sucking your soul with small talk.
You either pray in the car or right at your workplace’s entrance. Sometimes you wear dozens of religious trinkets around your neck.
Whenever your boss attempts to talk to you, you spray them with a bottle of holy water.
4. You Attemped to Make a Robot Clone
All the robot movies you binge-watched on Netflix inspired you to make a robot clone of yourself.
You tweeted Bill Gates and Elon Musk for help. Sadly, they never responded.
Finally, you stole a robot from MIT, dressed it up in your work clothes, and brought it to work. The façade didn’t last long.
Your boss called you into their office for a big “WTF?!” talk.
5. You Tried to Astral Project Out of a Meeting
Somehow, you ended up in the New Agey side of Youtube after watching hundreds of cat videos.
You discovered astral projection. It’s like dreaming, but you’re consciously aware of lifting your spirit form out of your body.
You needed to learn astral projection quick. There was a dreaded meeting the next day.
Nothing productive was going to be done. It was only the perfect excuse for your boss and your brown nose co-worker Stan to go on about “synergy” and “strategic partnerships.”
You wind up falling asleep in the meeting, dreaming you were in your astral form. A scolding session with your boss waited for you when you woke up.
6. You Spend Way More Time in The Bathroom
You realized you’ve spent hours in the bathroom stall watching Illuminati conspiracy theory videos and reading bigfoot erotica. They were more fascinating than the work papers stacked on your desk.
You tell anybody concerned about your lengthy bathroom habits your prescribed medications gave you insane diarrhea.
Periodically, you spray air freshener around your stall. The poopy sound effects you found on Youtube came in handy too. However, you made sure any ads didn’t interrupt the sounds.
7. You Pretend to Be Possessed
Crap, you ran out of sick days. Time to get possessed!
Whenever your boss calls you about your whereabouts, you growl and mutter Pig Latin on the phone.
If you’re already at work, you tell everyone you’re Beelzebub, gnash your teeth, and convulse on the floor. You even hired a priest for your staged act.
The priest takes you out of work for your favorite wing bar. They’re only a friend of yours in a Party City costume. You two spend the entire evening on beer and spicy honey BBQ wings.
If you have done any of these tricks, it’s time for a new job.
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” — Confucius
Begin your life with a new mindset. Start self-educating yourself for the job you want. Ask yourself where you would rather be.
I highly recommend the following books for starters:
- Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
- Side Hustle by Chris Guillebeau
- Click Millionaires by Scott Fox
- Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki
- The 10 Pillars of Wealth by Alex Becker
- The Millionaire Fastlane by MJ DeMarco
- The Power of Concentration by Theron Q. Dumont
- So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport
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